10 gifts that say: i don't really know what this means to me yet

a break from our usual programming

The gift guides are always for “dad” or “girlfriend,” “best friend” or “uncle we’ve recently started speaking to again.” But what if you accidentally, and sort of unfortunately, struck up something quasi-romantic with someone in November of all times? Christmas is rapidly approaching and you’re sort of on the line to get this person something but you haven’t defined what you are, and don’t know what you want yet, and are really dreading the conversation, or even the concentrated time to mine the tunnels of your petrified emotional circumstance to figure out what it is you want. (I don’t want anyone in my DMs asking me who it is that I’m writing about, I’ll tell you frankly it’s no one, I just came to the idea on my own because it has happened to me before that it’s been November and I’m in something ill-defined and I like it that way and suddenly we have the responsibility of gifting each other things, which is so desperately inorganic as a concept anyway. To gift a partner anything other than a hot meal is decidedly a strange dynamic in my humble opinion—although I’m not saying I don’t love it, being grievously materialistic myself.) Before you ask, I am not putting Sapiens on this list, but I did think of it.

Lucky for all those paralyzed by their feelings, I’ve assembled a really special gift guide like every-fucking-one else to push you towards further consumerism in this time where we celebrate the birth of a baby who supposedly forgave all our sins and then next thing we knew Macy’s was sort of running that shit. 

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Duck Faucet Head, Facebook Marketplace, $85

This would be a really interesting gift to receive from a partner because you could ostensibly keep it forever and when you obviously refurbish an 1850’s farmhouse with Mr. Right, this could be the gorgeous finishing touch on your blue-tiled bathroom. Your husband will say wow, isn’t that interesting? And you’ll say yep! and then ask him to get his ass back to spackling.

@horseboyyy painting, horseboyyy.com, $ variable

Another great gift because anyone would love this I think, and it says absolutely nothing about your feelings, carries very little message at all besides being visually striking and interesting. And maybe, just maybe, that’s your very assessment of your current escapade. 

Psoas Release Tool & Hip Hook, Amazon, $35

A completely sexless gift! Perfect.

Women’s Cashmere Half-Blend Sock, 3-pack, Bombas, $84

This is honestly sort of a come-on, I think, certainly the most romantic of the gifts on the list. Cashmere socks? So, are you obsessed with me being comfortable? Jesus, are you thinking about the conditions of my feet? Are you wishing those flippers the very best? But in the case that you actually feel affectionately, if not definitionally so, towards a person, this could be a really good choice. 

African Senufo Stool, Chairish, $179

I also think, a lá duck faucet, a milking stool could be an awesome gift. Both practical and loveless. What a great place to put a plant, or a couple of curated poetry books! How antique, how sturdy, how very casually rich. It also would come super in handy if the object of your confused desire finds themselves milking something in the future, which, honestly, if I knew a hot man who milked animals at all I’d honestly probably lock that shit down right away, but that’s just me!

“College” sweatshirt, Amazon, $25

I would actually throw up to receive this, and right into the sweatshirt. This is a great gift under the circumstances you are really hoping your situation doesn’t even make it to December 26. This will show your utmost disinterest and disrespect of a person, but BEWARE some people do like that! Against their will! Definitely never me and I’ve never even thought that was hot when someone does not treat me well. But should you have some sort of fucked-up half-valentine, this might work in opposition to your intended outcome, and they might become obsessed with getting you to try and love them. But probably not—likely they will just think wow, I can’t believe I’ve been Snapchatting this ***hole for two whole months.

ProSensor M150 Center and Edge Stud Finder, Home Depot, $43

This gift might honestly be too hot to be on here. Idk, you know your situation best, but could be a good option.

Pewter Weighted Taper Candlestick Holders, Etsy, $32

Perrrrfect gift, maybe my best one yet. These are such a classic give, they have no nuance, no indication of feeling, zero sex appeal, a completely Puritanical context. Plus, they look good in pretty much everyone’s apartment everywhere. A distinctly mid choice. You can find these for less than $50 on Etsy or Ebay anywhere.

Blue Nudes (1952) Henri Matisse Print, $110, Wayfair

This would hospitalize me, to receive this. This would invalidate anything I’d ever told you about myself, indicate you had never listened to a single word that had come from my mouth, that you found me attractive enough but completely unremarkable in every way. There is not a chance in hell you know my middle name or how many siblings I have, where I work, or even where we went for drinks last week. You called me someone else’s name when you were telling a story about me. I know some of you freaks are looking to send that message, so look no further!

Insignia™ - Insignia CD Boombox - Black, $40, Best Buy

For all my Physical Media Guys, I think this is exactly sweet enough of a gift. It’s both confusing and endearing. I would simultaneously be thrilled to have somewhere to put my Colbie Caillat CD’s and also really annoyed at how ugly it was and that I had to find somewhere in my room to put this.

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I hope this helps alleviate some of your holiday anxiety. As a post-script, I thought also water shoes would be a sort of boombox-type gift, some nice chopsticks, a tortoiseshell comb. For god’s sake, nothing monogrammed, no concert tickets (too sexy), no subscriptions of any kind, no dishware (too loving). I wish you all the best in this season so torrential for both love and budgeting, in no particular order.